Little boxes of stress!

"Tough! Get on with it!"

"Pardon?"

"It's tough. You have to get on with it."

That was the response I got from a Tinnitus helpline about 15 years ago, when I first noticed a ringing in my ears that would not go away. I was a little taken aback I have to say. I went to the Doctor because I was starting to panic. I got the hearing test and got told that I had typical hearing loss at and around the frequency expected for a Guitar player.

I looked at the chart and the line crawled quite happily upwards until it got to about 4000 Hz, I think. Hard to remember the frequency now. Was a bit of a shock. The line just dropped away at a steep angle to the red and shot back up again.

OK. Not only have I got a permanent ring. But I cant hear much at the frequency I need to judge my sound. What am I going to do?

That's about as far as I got with the medical side of things. I just took the advice of the man on the phone and tried to get on with it. I wore Earplugs at rehearsals and, luckily, living in London at the time, there was usually some background noise to distract me from the ringing.

Earplugs don't work. At least they didn't for me. You cant hear the subtleties required for playing lead Guitar (not that I could hear that well anyway!) They just dumbed everything down and I got more and more frustrated, to the point where I just stopped wearing them.

Eventually I stopped playing in bands and got on with something else. Guess it was time to move on, and I did.

When I sat down to start writing this blog, I thought to myself that it might help me, and maybe others, to write about it. Wasn't thinking it through, Duh! My brain immediately started to focus on the noise again. And I have spent the last week trying to fight it off and get back to where I was. Well, that's no good. I'm damned if I am going to let it get to me for that reason. It affects so much already, I'm not adding another one to the list.

I did get on with it. Managed for about 13 or so years. Don't know how now.But last year I just popped. Second child just been born, a new house, a wonderful partner, and a son who was growing up into quite the little artist. Anybody would have been grateful for that, and I was. My daughter was doing fine, and I had just taken 2 weeks Paternity leave to help my partner out. A very lucky man.

But. I popped. Why?

Stress. I could not handle stress AND Tinnitus. I ended up at the Doctors and got referred to the local hospital. He gave me some mild Anti-depressants to keep me a little more stable, and I had 2 weeks off work to try and get back some semblance of sanity. Luckily my bosses wife was involved with Tinnitus at work (a very lucky coincidence!) and he was very understanding. But, he still questioned my ability to do what, was a very stressful job, when I eventually returned.

What do you do to cope with Tinnitus? How do you live your day to day life with a noise that never goes away, and impinges on every minute of the day?

Well, you cope. In a way, the man on the phone was right, although I didn't think so at the time! You have to cope. You have no choice. You find a way and you get on with it.

I visualise the Tinnitus as a man with a very loud electric Guitar. I've put him away in a little room, somewhere in a dark corner of my brain. He is happy there, playing away, and I'm happy for him to do it. Trouble is, that's where I store all of my stress too. In little boxes. So. The more stress that I have, the more little boxes, and the smaller his little room gets.

He doesn't like this. So he kicks back. He turns up the Amplifier, and starts kicking at the walls. He wants to be noticed. And he is going to make damn sure that I know it. I'm cramping his style. His room is full of boxes and there are more arriving all the time.
Why do I do this? I love my Guitar. Why associate it with something so negative?
Well, it turns it into a positive for me. I can relate to it. I can visualise him playing what I want to hear, and I can relate to the desire to WANT to play. It's just that my little boxes of stress really hack him off, and that's when he wont play what I like to hear.
My head is full of Guitar all of the time. It's what I have done for over 35 years. It's part of my make up. Even though I don't get to play as much as I would want to now, it cant be switched off.
I don't want it to switch off! I want the little scream in my ear to switch off. But that wont either, so I will drown it.

There are lot's of options out there now. Tinnitus is taken very seriously. It IS a valid condition. It can completely destroy your life. You have to find a way to cope. But, you have to accept it too. If you fight it, it will bring you down. Somehow, you have got to incorporate it into your life, whilst, at the same time, finding ways to deal with it. Nag your Doctor. Get yourself referred to a specialist. These people can help you. There are numerous solutions out there, and you have got to find the one that will help you. But you wont find it if you don't look.
Don't think that you have to cope on your own. You don't.
But my thoughts always come back to the man on the phone 15 or so years ago.
"Tough! Deal with it!"